ontopof that

this is a strange-and-magical life, this life of family that defies nuclear, embraces cosmic, exemplifies alternative.

this magical-and-expansive life where my fourthgradedaughter writes a poem at school, proclaiming without hesitation, exclaiming her loving truth, she is “from three mothers;” this same daughter who told the school psychologist she has three mothers, but only one parent;

[this is the most succinct and accurate description i have ever heard of her and her brother’s and my and our strange, magical, expansive life together.

yes, this expansive-and-confounding life, this lesbian-ex-partner-former-foster-mother-
who-takes-them-one-night,-two-afternoons- each-month; who-calls-herself-parent-but-isn’t-sure-she-wants-them-both-
at-the-same-time-for-her-one-week-each-summer; who-wanted-for-years-to-have-
first-right-of-refusal-should-I-die-but-would-give-no-guarantee,
-but-just-today-stopped-renting-and-decided-to-buy-the-hypothetical-responsibility-
if-I-kick-the-bucket;-this-loving,-committed-mamasue-for-whom-there-is-no-shorthand-
or-legal-name-and-who-can’t-stand-the-title-“godmama”-so-don’t-say-it-too-loud-
when-she’s-around life.

yes, this confounding-and-contorting life, this birth-mother-who-heaps-presents-twice-a-year,
-rollerskating-and-lasertagging; who-doesn't-know-how-to-talk-to-children,-saying-
way-too-much-for-little-ears; who’s-showed-up-year-after-year,-hasn’t-disappeared-
as-DSS-predicted; whom-i've-got-to-help-along-and-why-can't-someone- else-help-her,- why- does-it-have-to-be-me-except-that-i-am-her-children’s-mother-so-it-has-to-be-me life.

this contorting-and-bewildering life: this three-mothers life, two of whom are limited in how much they can or are willing to commit to my kids whom they love fiercely and one mother, that’s me, trying to make space and way for them and their connection to those lovely munchkins who take out their anger and disappointment on me and direct their fantasies of perfection toward them.

this bewildering-contorted-confounding-expansive-magical-strange life in this village we’ve created/found/been blessed with, with its friends who take the kids afterschool/beforeschool when work runs too long; with its mediocre babysitter who questions my judgement and calls my children brats but who shows up every week and doesn't charge too much; this life with its onceayear birth grandparents and great grandparents with their genuine gratitude to not have been cut off; with its chicago cousins who scream joy late night at ohare for all the world to see; this life with its sunday congregation who shows up to hold us, tether us in this windywaywardworld; with its exboyfriend who shows up inbetween international travel, asks the kids to be katubah and ring bearers and makes sure those same kids get their livewith mother presents at christmas and on her birthday

but this year, well, not this year, because this year they are big enough, mature enough, settled enough, something enough, that they are already ontopof that…